


Steel Heart Breaking

by Honyasbookshelf



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Campaign: Balance (The Adventure Zone), Character Study, Crew as Family, Gen, Internal Conflict, POV The Director | Lucretia, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:14:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,072
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28762416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Honyasbookshelf/pseuds/Honyasbookshelf
Summary: "She felt heat fill her eyes and realized that she was crying, the emotions of the moment too much to bear calmly. She loved her family so very much, and they were so broken. Thishadto be the right thing to do.So why did it feel like her heart was breaking?"Lucretia made a call that wasn't really hers to make, but she did it out of love and with good intentions.
Relationships: The Director | Lucretia & IPRE Crew | Starblaster Crew
Kudos: 3





	Steel Heart Breaking

**Author's Note:**

> Tag to Episode 66: The Stolen Century, Chapter 7. I was just re-listening through this episode, and I have lots of feelings about Lucretia's choices. This is my attempt to get into her head a bit. Hope you enjoy!

_Done_ , Lucretia thought as she jotted the period to the end of her last sentence with a note of finality. After waiting a moment for the ink to dry, she closed the cover of her blue journal. She had spent _months_ holed up in her room every minute she could spare, meticulously poring through her journals from the _Starblaster_ 's century-long journey. She was determined to remove _only_ what she absolutely had to from her family's memories, to leave them as much of their passions and happiness as she possibly could while removing the events that had left them so broken and callous.

They had experienced too much sorrow and loss already. A twinge of complicated feelings tugged at her at the thought. _Am I doing the right thing?_ If she was being completely honest with herself (and she did so try to be honest, at least with herself) she would have to admit that while she needed to spend the time alone in order to accomplish her task, she was also hiding from her crew, her family. She knew with guilty certainty that they would be horrified if they knew what she was planning.

She also knew that she could no longer bear to see their faces like this. It had been bad enough seeing the guilt and hope and anticipation and fear they all felt in that year while they waited to see if they had truly escaped the Hunger. Worse as they all realized the horrors they had unleashed on this world, the destruction their creations had wrought upon their new home.

That was when she had begun her task, determining to edit out the heartache, to give her family and their world a fresh start. But even as she worked tirelessly to accomplish her task, she had been plagued with doubt. The clincher had been when Lup disappeared. She could not _bear_ to see Taako pretending to stir the stew pot until it burned down to nothing, thousand-yard stare on his face, anymore. If anything, Barry was even worse, going _days_ without eating or sleeping or bathing in his relentless search for his beloved.

No, this was happening. This _had_ to happen. It was the only way.

She stood, picking up her journal and walking over to Fisher's tank, her heart beating a furious tattoo of nervous anticipation. She watched, as though attending some sacred rite, while the voidfish began consuming her written words, the memories associated with them being wiped from every mind but her own.

She felt heat fill her eyes and realized that she was crying, the emotions of the moment too much to bear calmly. She loved her family so very much, and they were so broken. This _had_ to be the right thing to do.

So why did it feel like her heart was breaking?

She spun as she heard the door opening behind her, saw Magnus's bewildered, hurt expression as he saw what she was doing. No, no, no! None of them was supposed to see.

Lucretia choked down a sob as she tried to explain her reasoning to her friend, her brother, their protector, watching as all signs of recognition faded from his face. A feeling of desolate loneliness descended over her such as she had not felt since that year she had been left alone with the _Starblaster_ , the year everyone else in her family had died.

In the face of Magnus's lost confusion, she steeled her heart. She had to be strong for them. She ushered her family members to bed, placating them with ambiguous explanations that would have _never_ satisfied them in their full faculties. She reassured herself that the confusion would pass, that they would recover soon enough. Having that much of your memory redacted would take it out of anyone. _Just until I can fix this_ , she thought, shoring up her conviction to see this through.

A strangled sensation, as though she couldn't take in enough air, filled Lucretia when she realized that Barry was gone. No one present could remember enough to tell her what had happened, but she could only assume that he had realized what was happening and decided that a half-existence in his lich form was better than truly living without the memories of his beloved. Sorrow mingled with vexation at the realization. _I did this for you. Do you have to be so stubborn?_ She would have to be wary that he didn't get in the way of her plans, now.

Over the next few days, she carefully set Taako, Magnus, and Merle up in places she was convinced they could be safe and happy. They _had to_ be happy. She couldn't bear it otherwise.

Davenport, she realized with a twinge of regret, had been so devastated by the alteration of his memories as to be incapable of living on his own in the world. Well. Her captain had been a bulwark for them all so often over the many years they had traveled together, fleeing the Hunger. She would just have to keep him close and support him in return now.

Once her task of relocating her family was complete, Lucretia allowed herself one day to properly mourn, to truly _feel_ the loneliness that rushed over her in waves that threatened to drown her. The next morning, she got up, locked those feelings carefully away, and sat down to begin the next stages of her plan. It was time to get to work.

***

Years later, Lucretia sat in the headquarters of the Bureau of Balance. It had been a rough road these past years, and even though she had kept an eye on her family from a distance, she had missed them horribly. And now, _finally_ , with Fisher's baby, she had found a way to give them back just enough of their memories to bring them on board with her mission without giving the game away.

She couldn't hold back the smile from her face as she heard their raucous voices approaching down the hall. Taako and Magnus and Merle. It would be _so good_ to have them back, even if they couldn't remember. Even if she had to keep up an act in front of them. With that thought in mind, she steeled her heart again, wiping the fond smile from her face as her boys entered the room.

“Welcome, the three of you, to the Bureau of Balance.”

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally supposed to end before the section break, but I realized that I just don't have it in my to leave it there. So have the first inklings of a happy ending instead.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I'd love to hear what you think. :)


End file.
